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| Mother of God, “Softener of Evil Hearts” Icon |
In
2009, because of various circumstances, I sadly became an atheist. Like Adam
and Eve of old, I decided I wanted to be my own god and lean on my “own
understanding” (Proverbs 3:5) instead of trusting in Christ. Thus, I attempted
to find solace through “science” and sin. I came to quickly realize the
meaninglessness of life without God. I had returned to the very dissatisfied
and meaningless lifestyle I had lived in my youth. I was like the dog who
“returneth to his vomit” (Proverbs 26:11).
I
also came to the brutal reality of the ugliness that atheism and the world
offers. Atheism gave us the Soviet Union and the gulags. One need only to just
look around at modern society to see the rampant moral depravity and decay of
Western Civilization.
In
contrast, I came to long for the beauty that Christianity has produced in
society. Christianity gave us all the things we hold dear including art, music,
hospitals, science, and numerous charities around the world. Christianity
raised both men and women up to become something more than just purposeless
animals. On the other hand, atheism has dragged humans down to their baser
nature to act like brute animals living in a society of torture, death, and
carnage (over 100 million deaths resulted from the atheist Communist
Revolution).
Dostoevsky
said, “The world will be saved by beauty.” I came to realize that after all the
“scientific” and rational arguments for atheism are said and done, only
Christianity shines forth with unmatched beauty.
I
had gotten lost in my head as I have seen so many others do. For every
argument, there is a counter argument when it comes to fallible human knowledge
(just look at the modern “replication crisis” in science). This is what I call
an endless-rational-loop that so many people get trapped in. This rational loop
keeps people trapped in their heads and not able to access their hearts.
I
have come to realize over many years now that true faith is born in the heart,
not in the head. That does not mean that faith is irrational or not evidential,
but rather that genuine faith only occurs when “the love of God is shed abroad
in our hearts by the Holy Ghost” (Romans 5:5). Again, the Apostle Paul
proclaims, “For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the
mouth confession is made unto salvation” (Romans 10:10).
In
contrast, the Apostle Paul states that the unbeliever’s “heart was darkened”
(Romans 1:21) and that “the god of this world hath blinded the minds of them
which believe not, lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the
image of God, should shine unto them (2 Corinthians 4:4). The minds of unbelievers
are blinded, blocking access to their hearts. This was where I was at for many
years; trapped in my own head. I even got to the point that I really wanted to
believe, but could not wrap my head around God because my idea of God, as is
true of most atheist, was a god that is too small. The true God of Christianity
is far too vast for the human mind to ever comprehend as God’s nature is beyond
human reasoning. God can only truly be known through the heart (see “God's
Revelation to the Human Heart” by Fr. Seraphim Rose).
In
November of 2016, my wife brought upstairs the Orthodox icons of the Archangels
Michael and Gabriel along with our Baptismal icons, that had been stuffed away
in a box in our basement for many years. She did not realize it at the time,
but the day she brought these icons upstairs and placed them in our living room
happened to be the eve of the Feast Day of the Archangels Michael and Gabriel.
I was furious about her bringing these icons into our living room as I was
still trying to make the whole atheist thing work in my head.
Almost
a year later, my wife asked me if she could put a small icon of the Mother of
God, called the “Seven Arrows Mother of God,” on the wall above where I slept
in the bed. I said “yes” because what did I care as I “knew” none of this stuff
was real. After a couple of weeks, I suddenly started to feel a desire to go
back to the Orthodox Church to rededicate my life to Christ. No one had shared
any earthshattering theistic arguments with me, I had not discovered some
breakthrough scientific or archaeological evidence for Christ, I had not read
Lee Strobel’s “The Case for Christ.” Something was changing in my heart.
In
March 2018, Holy Cross Monastery here in West Virginia was going to have a
special service called a Moleben with a myrrh-streaming icon of the Mother of
God, “Softener of Evil Hearts” (see icon below). This icon began to
miraculously stream myrrh (fragrant oil) in 1999 and has continued to do so to
this very day. I decided to take my family to an Orthodox Church for the first
time in almost a decade. That service and having the opportunity to venerate
this icon of the Mother of God was a life changing experience. I came to
discover later on that the myrrh-streaming icon of the Mother of God, “Softener
of Evil Hearts” is also known as the “Seven Arrows Mother of God” icon, which
was the very same icon my wife hung over my bed a year before. Truly, the
Mother of God did indeed soften my evil heart!
In
April 2018, on Holy Saturday (the day before Easter), my two sons were Baptized
and received Holy Chrismation (the seal of the Holy Spirit). My wife and I were
received back into the Orthodox Church through Holy Chrismation. My daughter
was Baptized and received Holy Chrismation in 2008. My whole family had the joy
of receiving the Holy Body and Blood of Christ through the Eucharist on Pascha
of 2018. Glory to God!
I
wish I could end this with “and we all lived happily ever after,” but the fact
is that I am a sinner. The true Christian life is a struggle of self-denial,
taking up one’s cross, and following Christ. It is only through the sacramental
life of the Orthodox Church that we find the tools necessary to acquire the
Holy Spirit in our hearts and maintain our “life in Christ” (to quote St. John
of Kronstadt).
